You Might be a Liberal If . . . .

     

         You think the really alarming violence takes place outside the abortion clinic.

         You ever referred to the “root cause” of something.

         You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.

         You pray to “The Woman Upstairs.”

         You think we never gave peace a chance.

         You had to be told that “Manhattan,” “menopause” and “boycott” were not sexist words.

         You begin sentences with the words “I feel.”

         Your driver’s license has a hyphen because for you one last name just isn’t enough.

         You think Fox News is faux news. 

         You get your economic theory from John Mellencamp and your foreign policy from Sean Penn. 

         You think it takes a village. 

         You think higher education is about diversity, not excellence. 

         You think that the words “to promote the general welfare” in the Constitution mean “to promote welfare generally.” 

         You think that conservatives, like preservatives, ought to be federally regulated. 

         You have ever wondered out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?” 

         You think the New York Times prints all the news that’s fit. 

         You think that Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are just entertainers. 

         You spent Columbus Day reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. 

         You reach the limits of your talent and then complain that you ran into a glass ceiling. 

         You wear more ribbons on your lapel than in your hair.

         You think “post-colonialism” is a legitimate literary category. 

         You think that the really dangerous McCarthy was Joe, not Eugene. 

         You failed to see the connection between Lenin and Lennon.    

         You can’t talk about the Tea Party without descending  into sexual vulgarity.

         You think Herman Cain, Condi Rice, Alan Keyes, JC Watts, Clarence Thomas, and Alan West aren’t “authentic” blacks.

         You think National Socialism was a right-wing movement.

         You ever agreed with a Baldwin brother.

         You think Michael Moore is part of the 99%.

         You . . . .  (fill in the blank )